It’s mid June and I am still busy!!
From preparing for exams before May, to adjusting again
because exams were postponed by two more weeks and so I could get some orders
done. In the midst of it all I tried hard to NOT take knitting orders however I
failed dismally always pushing to get the next order out and keeping my
customers happy.
However as much as I love studying and knitting it can get
to me immensely and then I just leave everything. I have my tantrum for a day
and the next day I am ready to get a move on because life doesn’t stand still
it’s constantly moving from one thing to another and orders still needs to be delivered!
Yesterday I felt so despondent because I have been
challenged by two of my daughters and their behavior towards me of late and I
just felt like breaking down and crying because the more I ask them to do
things that they know they are to do , the more they are just non-responsive to
me and I lost it. Yes I lost it! My commonness came out and by that I mean the
total opposite to what I am normally. Words just come out in Afrikaans and I
let loose and when this happens then my girls know “Mommy is very upset- so let’s
just OBEY” BUT like that gets so tiresome.
Why should I act totally out of
character when my kids are disobedient, why must I shout before they listen. It’s
not like don’t listen when they speak to
me, asking me for this and that and then I do irrespective of how. I make sure
they get what they ask for.
Why is it so difficult for them to do the same for me? Or do
they just enjoy their mommy being angry and a bit loud...I went further and
asked myself “Zenneline, why do you push yourself so hard?”, “Why do you even
bother sacrificing your time, sleep and juggling so many things?” Why do you?
Your kids don’t deserve what you are trying to do? (That is what I feel when
they don’t listen to me, when I must sound like a nagpot) but you know they
know it’s because I want them to do better when I shout and nag etc. Because
being quiet is not in me when I need to get something done.
So why do I bother? It’s simple my family is worth it!! They
are worth me sacrificing sleep to make sure they have what they need. They are
worth every energy I put into finishing off orders they are worth every moment
I don’t get to sleep and have to push through to complete tasks. They are worth
me coming home from work dog-tired yet still carving out time to do Homework,
make sure they have clean clothes etc. They are worth every single nagging way
of me.
They are worth it because I love them and that is why I will
nag and I will shout and I will remind them that even in the midst of my
frustration I still love them and they are immensely important to me and that
is WHY EVEN I BOTHER!!
So if I can encourage you with this it is that even in the midst of all you are doin to meet deadlines and juggling whatever it is you have to take time to regroup. Even if it means to go sleep early and have a good's night rest. Talk with someone air your frustrations and then you move on, VENTING is good just make sure you are venting to the right people. Someone who will just listen and hear your heart. Once you have done that you PICK yourself up and you SLAY away!!
Have a fantastic weekend!!
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