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The journey to keep my mouth shut...

I often feel like I am constantly fighting battles if not for myself, for my children, if not for them it's for my marriage, if not for my marriage it's for relationships whether with friends or family. I find myself constantly fighting something and for the most part of my life I have been fighting to get my voice heard because for a long time I felt that no one is listening to me, so I am constantly fighting to make my voice heard.

Stay with me...

As the years went particularly for the last four years I have embarked on a journey to get to know myself. I learned to love myself,  I learned to set my own standards, basically asking questions what I stood for, I learned to speak up. I found my voice. It's a constant battle with "self" to choose to be better than the day before.

I am the third child and everyone know that the middle child is always looking for attention and always feel left out etc. Well ofcourse I would deny it because that's not true, right? NOT!!! It's true and I can laugh about it now because I have learned so much about me and the scariest thing is, when I see my daughters are quite similar to me. Each one of them has a trait of mine. Let's take Sai (my five year old) talks a lot like me and she loves making her voice heard, she is very specific in what she likes and don't like, yip you guessed it that is soooo Me. However I only became in tuned about my likes and dislikes when I started to get to know me. Asking questions and finding deeper meaning as to why I do what? It took many conversations with mentors to unpack things for me. It's such a privilege to have Mentors in my life and it's quite important as well (Let's leave that for another blog).

For years I felt that my voice was not being heard and so as I learned to accept me I have also learned to stand up for myself and as I learned to do this is the most classy way (believe me , I struggle alot with this) I feel somewhat liberated. There are moments when I over explain for the fear of being misunderstood however I rather do that so that there is clarity.(yes I know I am justifying, however I am still on this journey and I am learning, right.)

The hardest thing for me in owning my voice and often being straight forward is that people confuse my straightforwardness with rudeness, yes I have heard many a times that I am rude because I chose at that time to speak the truth and perhaps it was in a harsh tone so that made it sound rude. I have since learned to change my tone and still be honest and straightforward.

I won't lie this trait of mine being "straightforward" has left me with very few true friends and I am still learning that "less is more". I am still learning to be content and I am learning that not everyone would be for me and that is OKAY.

I have lost many friends and even family relationships because I choose to not keep my mouth shut when I see people being wronged but most importantly when I feel I am being wronged and this has often left me feeling rejected and alone. I am struggling right now to process a lot at this moment and I am praying about it. I will share when I have clarity about it.

Speaking up and standing for what you belief in is very important to me and I am learning this year that when I do speak up and defend what is right , I will often be standing alone. In that moment it feels that I am the only one that finds the courage deep within to say something even if it means that I would be mistreated. I have learned that I have chosen to have my voice heard and I will not be silent if and when I see someone being wronged it doesn't matter to me whether it's friend, family or a stranger I will speak up. 

I won't lie it hurts when the people that you choose to defend turn around and shun you, it hurts a whole lot BUT you know what would hurt me even more is "keeping my mouth shut" knowing that I had an opportunity to plant a seed even if the person on the receiving end isn't ready to hear it. Believe me the words will echo long after you have said it. While it hurts to be rejected, it's far better to be rejected for what you believe in than for something that is of no value to you.

I have learned to love my big mouth because many a times I have had people thank me for saying something because they didn't know how to speak up. When I choose courage to speak up instead of keeping silent , I am allowing others around me to draw from my courage and they see that they can also speak up and do something about whatever it is they are facing. It's like one of the lines in my favorite poem "Our Deepest Fear" by Marinane Williamson, it says "and as I let my own light shine it automatically liberates others to do the same..."

Of late I have tried to just be quiet and not say anything however as much as I do try to in keeping my mouth shut it just doesn't happen easy for me. In this journey of keeping my mouth shut and learning to be silent at times because yes one does not always need to have the last say. I am trying hard to allow my silence to speak for me even if it is hard because more often than not people hear what they want to hear, regardless if it's not even what you are saying. Yip that is true!!

This journey is teaching me what things are actually worth fighting for and what isn't.

How good are you in "keeping your mouth shut" or are you like me who often say too much?



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